This Day

1. 080220

My rage is incurable, never leaving me alone. I thought it was over though it comes again. I dream of running in the mountains and screaming from within. The rage is forever once more.

2.

I feel myself falling apart. I cannot know this angers begins. On a precipice never to gain ground or footing. Where can this soul let go?

3.

Love is a trial, a test, a trap, corrupting reason beyond life, and control. Strength is not standing firm for the sake of another and not your own. Where can I let go? 

4.

Like a martyr bloody and alone facing the killers who would stone me, beat me, and burn me upon the stake. Sacrifice, truth, and right are two-edged swords that can be for good but injure or destroy the user.

5.

Rage goes on.

A.A.Elder 080220

“You know the only thing I remember from Sunday school is the martyrs. The saints, the saviors. They all end up the same way. Bloody. And alone.”

Daredevil.

The quote is from the series Daredevil.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/244249979767821344/

Life So Far in 2015

This is the first post I have made here since 2014.  It is still June 10th 2015 as I start this and it will be June 11th when I get around to posting it.

I've discovered some new sayings from varied shows and other places.  "The martyrs all end up bloody and alone"  I cannot for the life of me remember now where I heard this from, but I know it was a show I was watching on Netflix.

This is really true and you don't have to die to be one.  Well I guess by definition you do but if you put yourself on the line and try to do the right thing you often become a living martyr.

I feel the weight of my life some days.  I feel it often these days.  I'm not sure I expected to be where I am but here I am.

Freedom, choice, and control are just concepts who really has these three things.

So enough of this dribble.

Thoughts/Complaints

I was waiting for an appointment on the 8th of August 2011 and jotting down some thoughts on my Gmail, via my Blackberry.  I thought I would like to share those thoughts here.  When I write things in this manner I like to know the time I put those thoughts down.  Forgive my use of military time habits die hard.

1010hrs        Time to make changes in my life again. As if things have not changed enough.

1037hrs.       This country is facing a generalized crisis, one of complacent mind set. Our leadership is ill equipped to make the correct choices for us because they lack the willingness for self sacrifice.

1044hrs.    Those same leaders are always willing to sacrifice much needed programs but never considering cutting their much over padded salaries they voted for themselves. Granted what they do is important but not so important that any of them should make more in one year than some of us make in a lifetime.

Well that is what I think.

Seeking Depth

1 January 2011 to 28 March 2011, that is how long I have been out of the Army.  77 days ago I spent my first official day as a civilian for over 22 plus years.  Today I started my second quarter of college.  I am glad to be back in Washington although in some ways it seems foreign to me.  I've been like a refugee for the whole time being moved every 2 to 3 yrs over the last 22yrs 7mos and 8days.  you kind of get to a point in which you no longer feel like you belong in a place or that you have a place to belong.  So far day one of quarter two is not too bad.  In my English class we are reading a book that brings back a lot of my memories from 1990 and 1991 which is a little disturbing to me in some ways.  More Later.

The Real Thing: Life going on.

I'm settling in and adapting to retirement from the Army.  I start school 3 January 2011.  I am officially out of the Army on 1 January.  Big steps of change going on.  Hope things continue to go okay it is good to be a little more relaxed.  I have been enjoying my terminal leave although I am still plenty busy taking care of business.  More later.

The Lost Time:

Life is so short we should never waist the time we have.  I'm guilty of wasting the precious moments I have and can never regain.  You don't think about it as much when you at in your teens or twenties, but at age 50+ you start to think what the hell am I doing not taking advantage of the time I have.  I have things that are still unfinished that I thought I would have had completed by this time.  I know 50 is not that old and I still can do most of those things I wanted to do when I was younger but it seems that focusing on those things is difficult.  Creativity can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.  I'm am trying to express myself as best I can but have not been sticking with it the way I should have all along.  It is hard to balance family, required projects and creative projects.  I have seen people I care for and/or have just been acquainted with passing on to the next life not fulfilling what they wanted to finish.  Trying to play catch up now that I am past that first career.  I am trying not to allow myself to be discouraged after all I have been away from the last career only 21 days and am still organizing things on the start of this new life.  I feel like I am falling behind which sucks because for this moment in time I should be relaxing more.  This is the one moment in time I will be able to do so before I have to get going again.  Well no worries this is easy compared to the last 22 years, 7 months and 8 days.  I have a lot to do and much I want to do.  Footnote to the above I would not trade who I am now for the person I was at 18 or 20 for anything. 

Changing the colours.

No I didn't miss spell colors in the title.  I spelled it the English spelling on purpose because I like the way it looks spelled that way.  Does anyone like the song by Chicago "Colour My World"?  I do and have for many years.  That is where I first saw color spelled colour and liked it better at least on literary things.  So yes I am weird and a little eccentric sometimes just go with it.


–adjective

1.

deviating from the recognized or customary character, practice, etc.; irregular; erratic; peculiar; odd: eccentric conduct; an eccentric person.

 

Yes that's me at times, but all of us have those moments in which we deviate from the norm.  Individuality that is my new colour.  Going from the uniform way of thinking, dressing and doing things to a whole different outlook.  Okay I'm not being quite truthful here, I have always been an individual but I am soon going to be freer to be individual.  

 

That is liberating in some ways and terrifying in other ways.  The required routine will soon be gone and I will have to determine my own routine.  Not really a problem because in the job I have been doing the last couple of years for the Army I have had a lot of latitude.  Still it will take getting use to for all the changes that are coming.

 

More Greyzone  later .