This Day

1. 080220

My rage is incurable, never leaving me alone. I thought it was over though it comes again. I dream of running in the mountains and screaming from within. The rage is forever once more.

2.

I feel myself falling apart. I cannot know this angers begins. On a precipice never to gain ground or footing. Where can this soul let go?

3.

Love is a trial, a test, a trap, corrupting reason beyond life, and control. Strength is not standing firm for the sake of another and not your own. Where can I let go? 

4.

Like a martyr bloody and alone facing the killers who would stone me, beat me, and burn me upon the stake. Sacrifice, truth, and right are two-edged swords that can be for good but injure or destroy the user.

5.

Rage goes on.

A.A.Elder 080220

“You know the only thing I remember from Sunday school is the martyrs. The saints, the saviors. They all end up the same way. Bloody. And alone.”

Daredevil.

The quote is from the series Daredevil.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/244249979767821344/

The Lost Time:

Life is so short we should never waist the time we have.  I'm guilty of wasting the precious moments I have and can never regain.  You don't think about it as much when you at in your teens or twenties, but at age 50+ you start to think what the hell am I doing not taking advantage of the time I have.  I have things that are still unfinished that I thought I would have had completed by this time.  I know 50 is not that old and I still can do most of those things I wanted to do when I was younger but it seems that focusing on those things is difficult.  Creativity can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.  I'm am trying to express myself as best I can but have not been sticking with it the way I should have all along.  It is hard to balance family, required projects and creative projects.  I have seen people I care for and/or have just been acquainted with passing on to the next life not fulfilling what they wanted to finish.  Trying to play catch up now that I am past that first career.  I am trying not to allow myself to be discouraged after all I have been away from the last career only 21 days and am still organizing things on the start of this new life.  I feel like I am falling behind which sucks because for this moment in time I should be relaxing more.  This is the one moment in time I will be able to do so before I have to get going again.  Well no worries this is easy compared to the last 22 years, 7 months and 8 days.  I have a lot to do and much I want to do.  Footnote to the above I would not trade who I am now for the person I was at 18 or 20 for anything. 

Stop, Look, Listen, Smell the Aroma

I'm trying to learn to slow down and enjoy those things around me I have had so little time to experience in a joyful manner.  The sound from brass wind chimes on the porch where I am staying.  The feel, sound and smell of the heavy rain we had today in central Texas.  Listening to some of the music I love.  So much in the past few years has been filled with constant "go go go".  Some people will never understand those simple things, and times.  That is why I am returning to a small town in Washington hopefully to a more simple mind set.  Yes I will be going to school and working but without that to do I would go nuts, not to mention I couldn't pay my bills.  But to be able to walk the main street from one end of town to the other with no problem or great expense of time.  This is what I hope for.  I'm looking for some balance in my life and some healing for my spirit and soul.  I've allowed myself to become very callus, both in my heart and mind, as my defence to protect me from "things that are required".  I know I've been strengthened by my life so far but also weakened in some ways.

No one is indestructible, and the ones who think they are usually are trying to self destruct.

Just more self reflection to be done.

Just Above the Darkness

Life is a never ending struggle, sometimes large struggles sometimes small.  It keeps us strong if we can live with the event.  Some things I have fought with all of my life it seems like.  Those areas are from my dark side and I have to guard against them always.

It is hard exorcising those demons, and often really puts you through your paces.

Anger is the big one for me and all the problems that follow along with it.

It separates me from those around me because it causes me to turn in on myself in order to control it.

More about that maybe later.

Here is a quote that speaks to my natures need.

"The undisturbed mind is like the calm body water reflecting the brilliance of the moon. Empty the mind and you will realize the undisturbed mind." - Yagyu Jubei